Jester 2013-07-04 05:52:15

You begin your daily soul-shattering labor in the hot Virginia sun, and soon develop heatstroke. As your late father once told you, "A man who does not finish the job he starts is no man," so you continue to work and quickly die. Your children look sadly at your body for all of 30 seconds, then dig a crude grave and bury you in it. They construct a wooden cross tombstone inscribed "Pa," and proceed to all starve to death.

Jester 2013-07-05 14:35:38

You arrive at the market. It's populated by a man selling small fish, a man selling quilts, and a stray dog sleeping in a green puddle. Do you purchase fish/quilts, attempt to steal fish/quilts, or return home?

Jester 2013-07-05 17:11:20

You quietly approach the fish stand and attempt to steal a fish, under the that impression the fishmonger isn't looking. This was quite a poor plan, as you are the only potential customer in the nearly empty market, and you've had the full attention of both salesmen and the stray dog since you entered. As you grab the fish, the fish man asks you "why are you stealing my fish." You deny the act clumsily, but he sees through your lies and hits you in the cranial region with a blunt object until you are dead. Your rotting corpse is left in the middle of the market, and people just kind of ignore it until it's entirely decomposed because nobody wants to move it. The fish man lives a life of relative luxury.

Jester 2013-07-06 04:00:15

Whilst hefting a particularly hefty sack'o grain, you throw out your back and collapse onto the ground. As if the universe is mocking you, the sack bursts open all over you and the birds start flocking in. You find that you're unable to stand. If you don't act soon, the birds will do their whole shtick what with the eating of your eyes and suchforth. You can either crawl to the village church and seek help from anybody who may be there, or you can call your children to carry you to the native Americans for herbal treatment like the one scene in Night At The Museum where all the miniature railroad workers carry Ben Stiller after tying him up. Several hungry birds have already arrived.

Jester 2013-07-06 14:00:16

Your many children carry your standing-impaired body into the Indian village, as you shout at them to mush as you would if you were driving dogs. The natives catch sight of the bizarre shouting centipede-like congregation of man and children entering their camp, which frightens and confuses them, and rightly so. Their mightiest warriors rush out and beat all of you to death. You're turned into a coat, and each of your children into a pair of moccasins. With these new articles of clothing, the natives later manage to achieve their first winter during which they lost no men to frostbite. Thanks to you and your children, many of the Indian children are granted at least 1 more year of life in this harsh world.

Jester 2013-07-07 21:52:58 (Updated 2013-07-08 01:17:52)

You stumble into the wilderness and immediately become lost because you've never been in a forest before. As you regret having never joined the boy scouts, you wander aimlessly, hoping to find any indication of civilization. As the sun sets, you enter a cave in search of shelter, only to find that it's already inhabited by a grizzly bear with a bad attitude. Had your parents loved you, they might have read you a story regarding caves inhabited by bears. Alas, they didn't, so you knew no better. The bear claws you on the ass while you hurry from the cave, and your profuse bleeding is creating a noticeable trail. Back in the forest, you come to a hill. Do you go uphill and attempt to climb it, or go downhill towards the lake?

Jester 2013-07-08 10:24:08

You approach the Indian settlement, entering the outskirts and spying in the cover of shrubbery. The natives are going about their business, skinning moose and whatnot. Little did you realize, your hiding spot was really shitty and a native spots your pasty English face with a brief glance towards the bushes. He begins shouting casino speak at you, and you emerge from the bushes, naturally assuming he's telling you to do so. The little one-sided skirmish has caught the attention of most of the locals at this point. Do you attack the settlement, attempt to befriend them, or express a desire to interbreed with their women?

Jester 2013-07-09 15:47:46

You advance on the natives attempting to communicate a message of peace, and quickly realize that none of them understand English. You instead try to broadcast your friendly intentions via hand gestures, which unbeknownst to you, are immature and vulgar in their culture. They bludgeon you to death with tomahawks, remove your femur bone, and ironically carve a peace pipe out of it. The moist lumps of your remains are buried in a field, which fertilizes the soil. The field soon sprouts a bountiful amount of crops. It's a profitable harvest for the native Americans.

Jester 2013-07-13 09:45:53

You wander in the general direction of the woods in search of adventure. However, instead of adventure, you fall into a puddle and catch cholera. You fucked up. You're faced with the decision to either return home and spend your last moments literally shitting yourself to death with your children, or you can continue out into the woods to your eventual and inevitable death.

Jester 2013-07-19 20:22:38

I never played it because it strikes me as a minimal amount of content for a decent sum of money and that's unacceptable but I should probably read a summary somewhere.

Jester 2013-07-21 04:49:59

"I am...AWAKE, Jesse."