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In honor of the 4th of July

2013-07-04 04:04:34 by Jester

Welcome to Jester's Revamped Not Entirely Historically Accurate American Colonial Survival Text-Based Sim, or JRNEHAACSTBS.

It's 1610 in the settlement of Jamestown, and things are pretty shit. You are William James, the God-fearing son of an English craftsman, and 2 years ago you were exiled to the American colonies as punishment for claiming that the King probably had a small dick. After arriving, you met and immediately married a woman named Elizabeth, who over the next 2 years gave birth to 24 children, for which she was tried as a witch and burned at the stake. You work a stupid job as a grain farmer or something, earning only enough to feed yourself and 1 of your 24 children a day.

One hot summer day, as your children are reading the Bible, (the only book you own), you make your way outside, possibly in search of adventure. Do you...

A) Explore the wilderness surrounding Jamestown
B) Journey to the nearest Indian settlement
C) Do your actual job so you can feed your many children like a nerd
D) Travel to the market in pursuit of goods or women


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2013-07-04 05:52:15

C) but then eat the children too.

Jester responds:

You begin your daily soul-shattering labor in the hot Virginia sun, and soon develop heatstroke. As your late father once told you, "A man who does not finish the job he starts is no man," so you continue to work and quickly die. Your children look sadly at your body for all of 30 seconds, then dig a crude grave and bury you in it. They construct a wooden cross tombstone inscribed "Pa," and proceed to all starve to death.


2013-07-05 14:35:38


Jester responds:

You arrive at the market. It's populated by a man selling small fish, a man selling quilts, and a stray dog sleeping in a green puddle. Do you purchase fish/quilts, attempt to steal fish/quilts, or return home?


2013-07-05 17:11:20

I attempt to steal fish/quilts

Jester responds:

You quietly approach the fish stand and attempt to steal a fish, under the that impression the fishmonger isn't looking. This was quite a poor plan, as you are the only potential customer in the nearly empty market, and you've had the full attention of both salesmen and the stray dog since you entered. As you grab the fish, the fish man asks you "why are you stealing my fish." You deny the act clumsily, but he sees through your lies and hits you in the cranial region with a blunt object until you are dead. Your rotting corpse is left in the middle of the market, and people just kind of ignore it until it's entirely decomposed because nobody wants to move it. The fish man lives a life of relative luxury.


2013-07-06 04:00:15

c because i'm secretly boring

Jester responds:

Whilst hefting a particularly hefty sack'o grain, you throw out your back and collapse onto the ground. As if the universe is mocking you, the sack bursts open all over you and the birds start flocking in. You find that you're unable to stand. If you don't act soon, the birds will do their whole shtick what with the eating of your eyes and suchforth. You can either crawl to the village church and seek help from anybody who may be there, or you can call your children to carry you to the native Americans for herbal treatment like the one scene in Night At The Museum where all the miniature railroad workers carry Ben Stiller after tying him up. Several hungry birds have already arrived.


2013-07-06 14:00:16

the indians sound pretty sweet so i'll call for my children to bring me to them

Jester responds:

Your many children carry your standing-impaired body into the Indian village, as you shout at them to mush as you would if you were driving dogs. The natives catch sight of the bizarre shouting centipede-like congregation of man and children entering their camp, which frightens and confuses them, and rightly so. Their mightiest warriors rush out and beat all of you to death. You're turned into a coat, and each of your children into a pair of moccasins. With these new articles of clothing, the natives later manage to achieve their first winter during which they lost no men to frostbite. Thanks to you and your children, many of the Indian children are granted at least 1 more year of life in this harsh world.


2013-07-06 18:06:14

i went out with glory and served a great purpose
it is accomplished, lord


2013-07-07 21:52:58


(Updated ) Jester responds:

You stumble into the wilderness and immediately become lost because you've never been in a forest before. As you regret having never joined the boy scouts, you wander aimlessly, hoping to find any indication of civilization. As the sun sets, you enter a cave in search of shelter, only to find that it's already inhabited by a grizzly bear with a bad attitude. Had your parents loved you, they might have read you a story regarding caves inhabited by bears. Alas, they didn't, so you knew no better. The bear claws you on the ass while you hurry from the cave, and your profuse bleeding is creating a noticeable trail. Back in the forest, you come to a hill. Do you go uphill and attempt to climb it, or go downhill towards the lake?


2013-07-08 10:24:08

B. Because Fuck

Jester responds:

You approach the Indian settlement, entering the outskirts and spying in the cover of shrubbery. The natives are going about their business, skinning moose and whatnot. Little did you realize, your hiding spot was really shitty and a native spots your pasty English face with a brief glance towards the bushes. He begins shouting casino speak at you, and you emerge from the bushes, naturally assuming he's telling you to do so. The little one-sided skirmish has caught the attention of most of the locals at this point. Do you attack the settlement, attempt to befriend them, or express a desire to interbreed with their women?


2013-07-09 15:47:46


Jester responds:

You advance on the natives attempting to communicate a message of peace, and quickly realize that none of them understand English. You instead try to broadcast your friendly intentions via hand gestures, which unbeknownst to you, are immature and vulgar in their culture. They bludgeon you to death with tomahawks, remove your femur bone, and ironically carve a peace pipe out of it. The moist lumps of your remains are buried in a field, which fertilizes the soil. The field soon sprouts a bountiful amount of crops. It's a profitable harvest for the native Americans.


2013-07-09 22:46:40

The only good thing I ever did with my time.


2013-07-13 09:45:53

A, I want some adventure!

Jester responds:

You wander in the general direction of the woods in search of adventure. However, instead of adventure, you fall into a puddle and catch cholera. You fucked up. You're faced with the decision to either return home and spend your last moments literally shitting yourself to death with your children, or you can continue out into the woods to your eventual and inevitable death.


2013-07-15 12:42:50

I'll continue.


2013-07-19 20:22:38

Unrelated to the stuff above, but I checked out Dead Space 3's DLC, Awakening, and watched the ending.
God damn...

Jester responds:

I never played it because it strikes me as a minimal amount of content for a decent sum of money and that's unacceptable but I should probably read a summary somewhere.


2013-07-19 20:29:11

I can give a summary with minimal spoilers right now.


Nah, but read it up on tvtropes or something, I guess. That's what I did. Didn't even bother with watching a playthrough aside from the ending itself.


2013-07-21 04:49:59

WalterxJesse fanfic.
Broke Bad Mountain

Jester responds:

"I am...AWAKE, Jesse."


2013-07-22 14:26:04

Go downhill.


2013-07-25 11:31:44

I want to have a pot belly and eat french pancakes and become a Brony one day if i've amassed enough body fat and acne, wish me luck.